Recently there have been many stories in the news regarding international adoption. Stories about corruption and trafficking, about unethical agencies and uncaring parents, about abuse and about neglect, about unprepared families and uninvolved agencies, but are those stories really the truth about what international adoption is? In the face of these stories, the Joint Council on International Children's Services has asked that all adoptive families speak out about the truth of international adoption.
But what is the truth of international adoption?
The truth is international adoption is not for the ill-prepared or the uncommitted- but then that is true of parenting- PERIOD
The truth is your child comes to you with a history that you not only were not a part of, but that you might never ever know. Some of that history may involve their first families or foster families and you will realize that these people have become part of your lives, regardless of whether or not you have ever met them or even know what they look like.
The truth is smiles and hugs, tears and tantrums, joys and sorrow
The truth is that you will always cringe when people ask you if you have children “of your own” because you understand how totally and completely your child is yours even while others can’t understand how that can be so
The truth is that your child is yours, but not yours alone. They also belong to their first families and that is okay. Love is not finite
The truth is that your child's story becomes part OF you yet it doesn't belong TO you. It is neither yours to tell or to interpret
The truth is that love is not enough
The truth is that you occasionally feel that you have to explain or defend your family to others and this includes the seemingly positive statement that you “saved” your child. No matter how bad a situation they might have been in, what happens after an adoption is parenting, not saving.
The truth is you need to think about things you may never have ever considered before and things that maybe you would rather not consider- things like racism, classism, privilege, power and entitlement.
The truth is tiny handprints on the wall, little footprints on the floor, potty training, homework, band-aids, piles of laundry, sloppy kisses, bouquets of dandelions and belly laughs
The truth is that every news story about your child's country of origin now matters to you too
The truth is that great sadness at what was lost can exist in the same space as great joy at what was gained
The truth is that a child can be the bravest person you have ever met
The truth is that international adoption is messy and complicated and hard and amazing and wonderful
Before we began the adoption process we took some adoption classes. On the last night there was a panel of adoptive parents (all of whom had only adopted children) One by one they each told their stories and each said they could not have loved their child more if they had been born to them. And while I understood that academically, I wondered how they could be so sure. I now look at my daughters and know birth is not the only thing that makes a parent. I look at my girls and know they are mine- yet at the same time, I also know they are not mine alone. I look and wonder whose eyes do they have, where does their personality come from, how much is nurture and how much is nature.
The truth of international adoption is that family is determined simply by the act of BEING a family
THIS IS THE TRUTH OF INTERNATIONAL ADOPTION
Our children are not ours because they share our genes...
they are ours because we have had the audacity to envision them.
That, at the end of the day...or long sleepless night,
is how love really works.
--- Unknown
(edited to add: several people have asked me if they can repost this on their groups or blogs. I don't mind at all- just link it back to the blog and let me know where it was posted)
24 comments:
Your truth is so true. Great post!
bravo! so well said!
Reposted your wonderful thoughts on my blog @ http://dream-of-dragons.blogspot.com/2010/04/truth.html
Thanks!
Oh my gosh, you took the words right out of my heart....I mean mouth. I swear I could have and really should have written these exact same words!
Beautifully said, beautiful family.
Love, Love, Love. I am so glad we are friends.
Beautiful post! You put into words what people who haven't been there just don't understand. Thank you.
Oh and I linked to this post on my FB page (only because you said it was okay!) I am KYMama from RQ.
I love it. I'm the Aunt of two adopted children and let me tell you, they are as much my blood as my own child. I think your family is beautiful. Great job.
LOVE your post. Very well said.
I also reposted and linked back to your post.
https://everydayblessingsatourhouse.wordpress.com
Beautiful. I love the pictures of your children. What an amazing, lovely family!
I cannot ever, in a million years thank you enough for posting this. Word by word, line by line, sentence by sentence this post rocked me to my very core. Thank you for being the voice, my voice, in this ever changing world of people that just don't "get it." Thank YOU for getting it!! Way to go!!!!!!!!!!!
Great post! Thanks for sharing.
Melissa
www.thecorkums.com
Great post. I posted it on my blog and linked back.
www.thethomassontales.blogspot.com
Oh, my gosh. This is written as if from my heart! It makes me cry to read this...something from someone that truly feels like I do and understands how I feel. I reposted it on my blog and linked it back here. Thanks so much for sharing!
http://mamastired.blogspot.com/
Thank you so much for permission to repost this! Not sure how to link it (though I'll try to figure it out!). I will definitely give credit and post your blog address though. Going right over to post it at www.waitingforpaige.blogspot.com
Oh my goodness, this was beautiful. Best one I've read yet.
Since you already gave permission, I'm linking to it in my Sunday Linkage. (In other words, contact me if you don't want me to do that. Heh.)
Stopped by to say thank you so much for your comment this week on my blog. I recognize you from RQ and am always so impressed with your thoughts. (I go by a different name on RQ and hardly ever post there now anyways.) Your words? Meant a lot to me.
You speak for thousands of us, thank you. I linked this to my facebook page..sorry don't know how to link it back.
Thank you again.
wheressam from RQ
We are the truth. Beautiful post.
Hi, I'm brand new to your blog and found you when I joined the TRA blog. I loved this post. Eloquent and true. Very moving to this mama. I would like to share it on my blog (which is private) but I can send you an invite if you like. you should have my email. Corinne
I posted it on my FB page only viewed by friends. Great post!
Everything you have so eloquently stated is true not only of international adoption but of domestic adoption. Our son came to us through adoption (an open adoption, though his birthmother has since passed away). I always wonder how anyone can actually think ANYONE is capable of loving someone "less" because they don't share a genetic pool. Why would you do that? I only know one way to love and that's full-on, in your face, unrelentingly. Thank you for reminding me of this. (PS: we are a lesbian couple who adopted trans-racially...take that, Pat Robertson!)
The question of loving someone "less" because they don't share your gene pool is entirely esoteric. In real life, I cannot imagine how in the world I could possibly love my son less than anyone. I only know one speed for love: full-on, in your face, unrelenting. We are a lesbian couple who adopted domestically (and multi-racially), in an open adoption. Every word you wrote is true of the journey of adoption everywhere. Thank you for telling the story.
The following sentence resonated with me "The truth is that you will always cringe when people ask you if you have children “of your own” because you understand how totally and completely your child is yours even while others can’t understand how that can be so"
Thank you for expressing what I feel!
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