This morning Kristen at Rage Against the Minivan wrote a great post about the "trend" in celebrity transracial adoption. The post was insightful and a beautiful reframing of the debate that goes on whenever a celebrity announces an adoption and the infant is black and the celebrity is not. I have not one issue with the things Kristen said (and I believe she knows and understands what I am about to say here- she just didn't say it in this post). In fact, I fully support her claim that we should figure out why minority children are over represented in the "system" and why they wait longer.
However- based on some of the comments to that post I believe that there is a little more that need said...
For example
When you HAVE a child of any color (and I have them all)....you see NO DIFFERENCE between them. Kids are kids.
I
have them all too and in my house kids are kids, But just like I see a
difference between my boys and my girls, I also see a difference in my
varying shades of kids. They need different things based on their
race. One child just needs a hairbrush and 30 seconds to put in a
ponytail (which will slide out on her silky hair within a half day.
Another child needs a marathon braiding session once a month and
different product for her hair- There is no negative value ascribed to
their differences but to act as if those differences are invisible
requires me to send a message to my children that there are parts of
them so insignificant as to be unworthy of notice. And regardless of
what we adoptive parents do or believe in our own homes- out in public
... there is a noticeable difference in how my lightest kids are treated
compared to my darkest kids.
I'm sure they felt like I do right now, they just wanted to be a mommy and ANY child would be a blessing.
Without
a doubt to them any child is a blessing but adoption is a two way
street. We must ensure that the adoption is a blessing for the child
too. Which means that we must ensure that the parents they receive are
able, willing and equipped to deal with the additional challenges that
come from a transracial adoption, particularly a black/white transracial
adoption.
And another point to make: "black" is just a skin
color. A black baby is still a baby. He or she is not a different sort
of baby, except in the eyes of those that make a big deal about race. If
anything, these celebrities are teaching our nation by example--using
their celebrity as a tool--that skin color shouldn't matter. While they
are only pictures I see a lot of love in these families and they don't
seem to notice a skin color.
Black is NOT just a skin color and that black baby will eventually become a black woman or man and have to live in a world that very clearly still sees color. Skin color shouldn't matter but it DOES matter and it matters from the very moment that child begins to interact with society. Families that don't notice skin color are setting their brown children up for an even harder experience. Race is a big deal and to believe that is not is to hide behind your ultimate white privilege. As a white person, you have no idea how much race matters. That isn't making a big deal about race- it is understanding the very CORE thing you must know to parent transracially. And if you don't think race is a big deal, ask all the white parents of black boys after Trayvon Martin was killed if they still felt that race didn't matter. That was an eye opening experience for a great many white adoptive parents. A quick reading of many blogs in the weeks that followed the killing revealed many posts written by parents trying to come to grips with a lethal reminder of just how much race matters.
White people that adopt minority children in America should not just
treat such a choice as if it is the same as adopting a white baby.
Growing up black in America is not the same as growing up white in
America, for instance. If white parents are not prepared to change their
lives and parenting strategies accordingly so as to fit the millions of
nuances that come with this fact, they may not be the best fit for the
role. Such naivety is not much different than people that don't even
tell their adopted kids they are adopted, hoping they will never sense
it or know it--mistake!!
EXACTLY. I have run into many adoptive parents who believe love is enough or the world is colorblind and that race is only an issue for those who want to make it an issue. Parents who can't hear the message adult adoptees are sending loudly and clearly that race DOES matter.
So I guess I would add to Kristen's essential questions she is asking only one more...
What are we doing to ensure that white parents adopting minority children are prepared to raise them.
2 comments:
Yes, yes and yes. Thank you for posting your thoughts on this. Such an important question at the end. WE are not doing nearly enough to ensure that white parents are equipped to parent black children. In my singular experience, we had a discussion about transracial adoption in our prep class and then again with our social worker. While those discussions and book recommendations were a good start, it was NOT ENOUGH. I felt we were in a world of unpreparedness when our daughter came home, but before that, I thought we were knowledgeable and ready. I've had to have many conversations with the black adults in our lives and sometimes they are uncomfortable. I had to dig out all of my materials from my 2 prior 'multicultural' classes from college and graduate school. I feel ab it more knowledgeable, but know I still have a ways to go. The hardest part is admitting that I/we will NEVER really know what it is like to grow up black in America. The nuances of that are like a foreign language, but we try to learn as much as possible. I so greatly appreciate all of your posts. They always get me thinking!
Insert electronic version of standing ovation here :) Great post. SO incredibly true! Pretending a difference doesn't exist does not solve anything. It is simply a form of defense we put up because it is easier than facing reality and forcing ourselves to do something about it.
~ Jill
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