Dear Matt and Melanie,
As I write this rumors are circulating that you have received physical custody of Baby Veronica. I say rumors because in all honesty, I am afraid to look to confirm it since even the thought that this is true makes me want to throw up.
I get that in a way you too are a victim- the victim of an unscrupulous agent who might have never given you a clue that Baby Veronica's father was going to contest the adoption.
(and although while I personally believe that you had to know there was something hinky going on- for the purposes of this, I will pretend you knew nothing of the drama and game playing that were going on between Baby V's birth parents)
But truthfully it doesn't matter one itty bitty bit whether or not you knew there was an issue before her birth. Within 4 months the adoption had been contested. 4 months- 120 days- 120 days that I am sure you fell in love with her, but clearly you didn't fall in love with her enough. You didn't fall in love with her enough to give her back to her father.
I don't know if you were required to take any per-adoptive classes but if you had, you would see that the loss of the birth family through adoption deeply wounds most, if not all, adoptees. Now how those wounds play out is different in form and depth and severity for each adoptee, but the wounds are there. And no matter if the birth family was the dregs of the earth and the adoptive family the salt of the earth, the loss of that first family is significant. Talk to adult adoptees and hear their voices about their birth families.
And then think about what you are doing to the child you claim to love.
Adoption should be about finding families for children who need them. It should never be about taking children from families who want them. It is about one set of parents loving the child enough to do what is in their best interest, and unfortunately, that is not you. It is in Baby V's best interest to remain with her father and it has always been in her best interest since he contested the adoption at 4 months old. And there are thousands of legitimately available children in this world who need a family and don't already have one able to care for them.
Someday Baby V will begin to question her adoption. The need for it, what happened to both her parents (and it may be far sooner than you think- I have one who has talked about her birth family pretty much since she could talk) She will have memories of living with her father and extended family. She is going find out (as soon as she is old enough to Google) that you fought a battle to take her from her father and that he fought a battle to keep her. Who do think is going to play the villain in this script?
Many adoptive parents (especially in international adoption) come to learn after years of searching that their children were wanted desperately by their first families and only through the actions of unscrupulous agencies taking advantage of those families during a time of crisis or distress were they "available" for adoption. They can tell you how hard it is to share those truths with their children and see their pain. How hard it is to know that they played a role in that separation, even though they had no way of knowing at that time.
But how much harder to explain that not only were you complicit in the severing of their first family but that you fought for years to make that happen.
I don't know what word you use to explain that you orchestrated their loss.
It seems to most adult adoptees and a great many adoptive parents that you are so concerned with winning that you have lost all sight of what this is going to do to Baby V.
Not now of course, for now, children are resilient, even in the face of such loss.
But eventually, Baby V will be Child V, then Teenager V and finally Adult V.
You may have won her for now, but I suspect in doing so, you have actually lost her forever.
Signed,
An adoptive parent
