Today is the 3rd anniversary of D's Family Day. The plan was to celebrate with a little celebration and maybe give her one of the many gifts we bought in China (intending to give her one a year until she is 18) but yet another truth of adoption is that as time goes by good adoptive parents learn how much they don't really know.
Three years ago my child woke up with no idea how her life was about to change. She was dressed by the ayis that cared for her and loved her and she was driven to an office several hours away. After a long hot journey she arrived and was carried in by one of her ayis who clearly cares for her. She stayed in her ayi's arms for a long while, comfortable, while she observed the people around her.
But eventually she was handed to us and she wailed as everyone familiar disappeared from her life forever
Adoption is complicated- what seemed so simple 3 years ago- a celebration of the day we became a family is not so simple after all because the act of becoming a family meant that D lost everything she knew- EVERYTHING. And that is not something that we should be celebrating. And in celebrating "gotcha day" (and wow do I not love that term) are we really glossing over the ugly stuff- not dwelling on it because it is too hard for us to accept the role that we have played in our child's grief. It's too hard to wrap our heads around how great those first losses really are. While we did not cause the loss of her birth family and culture we have certainly benefited from it- we have HER. And while she gained some thing she had been missing in no way does that gain negate what was lost. To pretend otherwise invalidates the very existence of her first family. It has been said that adoption is a redemptive response to tragedy- and we should never forget that the amazing process of forming a family through adoption also means there are two parents who will never see their child grow up and a tiny girl who was ripped from everything she knew.
I know many families will continue to celebrate their gotcha days and if that choice feels right to them then who am I to say they are wrong. But for me-it seems more complicated now and that each response or non response to the day carries meaning far beyond what is evident at first glance. (For the perspective of an adult adoptee please click here and here- she explains it far better than I) I don't know what the right answer is- I imagine how we mark the day will evolve over time based on what D needs but for now we will simply remember how grateful we are to her first family for her existence and humbly remember that our gain comes from their loss. We can't imagine life without her.
Three years ago you bravely entered our world and it hasn't been the same since.
We Love You D!!!
1 comment:
Beautiful Post.
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