What Adoptive Parents Think....

iAdoptee posed an interesting question on her blog on Tuesday.

Do the adoptive mom bloggers who do not speak out on behalf of adoptee rights or do not believe that there is anything wrong with the adoption system label these mothers "anti-adoption" as they do some of us adult adoptees and first mothers?

And after the last week in the world of internet conversations about these topics- I can say the answer is a resounding "yes" they do consider us, not just anti-adoption but also very hypocritical.  They believe that we adopted and now we are trying to prevent them from doing the same.

I am active on two web forums and a poster started a poll (on both)  that was basically a 1-7 continuum with 1 being 100% certainty that adoption was positive and 7 was 100% certain that there should never be adoption.  Here is a sampling of the responses from one of the sites (and these were all posted in a public area so it is information freely available on the internet and I am not breaking site rules by posting it here)

I also get irked by people who turn on adoptions once they are home with all of their kids and then feel it is ok to try and discourage those behind them from adopting. Like everything in life, nothing is perfect,  but kids sure are better off in a loving home in any country than in an orphanage. 

and

There are studies that show that once you "claim" something publicly  (via even something as simple as a poll like this) you're more likely to think of yourself that way in the future.   So think about it, what exactly are you claiming?  Are you really anti-adoption?  or are you anti-corruption or anti-"The system" or what?  Here's my opinion:  there is nothing about adoption that is good or bad.   It is simply raising another person's child as your own.   Do you believe that is possible?  Then you are pro-adoption.  Do you believe that is impossible?  Then you are anti-adoption.

my response:

I have to wholeheartedly disagree.  Your pro/anti categories first of all ignores that there are any other people affected by the adoption- mainly the child and first parent.  I can raise someones child as my own but they will always have a first family, they will always have someone else's DNA, (and while the degree will vary between children/adult adoptees)  they will always be, at least in part someone else's.  Acknowledging that doesn't make you anti-adoption it makes you a sensitive adoptive parent.   Just because you view your child as your own does not erase their loss or their biology.  And those are important parts of who they are

I believe it is possible to raise a child born to someone else with the same passion and commitment as a child born to you.  I also believe that children were meant to remain with their first families and we have an obligation to ensure that first mothers are not being coerced, or deceived into placing , that agencies should not be in the business of manufacturing orphans to fill the AP's desire for AYAP healthy infants, I believe that the adoption INDUSTRY needs an overhaul with a commitment towards reform and openness.  I believe that we must acknowledge our child's loss and not minimize it or negate it because they are "our own"   That makes me a 5- it doesn't make me anti-adoption

I certainly have some reservations and complaints about 'the system' (both IA and domestic), but I am completely and categorically 100% pro-adoption.  I just don't understand how anyone who has adopted can feel otherwise.  Yes, I've read the very well constructed replies of those who have detailed their anti-adoption leanings, but I still can't wrap my head around it 

and

Do you know I get tired by all these GREAT DEBATES, do we honestly need them, Are you adoptive parents out there, with all your views  on how adoption works, you who have brought your children home, and have all these wonderful debates. Would you give your children back, because you don't agree with the system,I don't think so,  seems that mostly these debates stem from people who are home, comfortable, What are you trying to do, STOP us future adoptive parents from going froward,

and my final response

I for one am tired of being called anti-adoption.  It isn't about shutting down adoption.  Using that label is an easy way for people to not listen to a word I am saying.  Throwing that label around at people is the pc way of saying "I don't want to hear what you are saying so I am going to dismiss you and your thoughts and experiences as irrelevant to the conversation"  I think it is interesting that the "anti-adoption" people are not throwing the "pro-adoption" label at the other side with nearly the frequency or the pejorative tone that is being used against them.

 This system needs an overhaul.  Calling the people who are now pointing that out names doesn't change that fact.  The evidence is irrefutable and it is across all systems, both international and domestic.  At this point, you are either part of the problem or part of the solution.  But being part of the solution doesn't mean never adopting.  It means holding your agency to a high standard, it means asking tough questions about whether the child is truly available for adoption, it means recognizing that first parents were and are a part of your child's life, understanding that it's not you who gets to decide whether or not your child is better off, ensuring that the placement was done with actual counseling of the first mother- not counseling that is designed to convince her she can't parent, it means ensuring that the child you are adopting REALLY TRULY HAS NO OTHER OPTION.  There are always going to be children who need new parents- adoption has been around forever and it will be needed forever.  What hasn't been around forever is the adoption INDUSTRY.  it is the industry that needs changed- not adoption itself

I spoke with an adoptive mom last week on a panel discussion and she told a story about being selected by a first mom.  She says that meeting with that mom it was completely and totally clear that the mom wanted to parent the child but it was her mom (the child's g.ma) who was pressuring her tremendously to place.  The a-mom basically said "I can see you really do want to parent and I can help you get support and counseling so you can do that" (since the g-ma was going to disown her daughter if she parented).  That child is now (still) being successfully parented by her first (and now only) mom.  We all need to have the courage to be that a-parent.

But I suspect this will just be considered more anti-adoption propaganda by those who believe there was some nefarious purpose behind this.