I found this on their webpage promoting sending e-cards to first moms on May 12 which is Birthmother's Day (although it seems to me that first mothers should be as celebrated on Mother's Day as much as any other mom. Yet another example of how first moms are treated as "other")
But this really really rubs me the wrong way.
Of course if we really wanted to support birthmothers maybe we could support them so they could parent- not just "support" them after they have placed their babies.
Here are three cards you can choose from and honestly- they all feel "icky"- but I can't imagine how hurtful this one - the one from the adoptee- would be.
The idea that their life would have been less than, incomplete, or worse if not for the adoption just seems to be more of the same tired message- ignoring all the complexities of any individual story.
Sure it's a nice sentiment and makes us adoptive parents feel warm and fuzzy inside- we acknowledge the sacrifice first mothers make (if only in a superficial thanks for what you gave us kind of way)
The real question is how does it make first moms feel?
Oh- and Happy Mother's Day to ALL moms
Oh- and Happy Mother's Day to ALL moms
6 comments:
No, that particular video wasn't offensive to me. In fact, I don't really feel anything about that video one way or the other. I think, unless you have a strong relationship with your child's first mom, you should probably not send that video because it could be offensive to some first moms. *I* chose to place my child for adoption amidst dramatic protest to the contrary. *I* knew that I would not have been the kind of mother my son deserved at that time. *I* knew I wasn't ready for motherhood and *I* chose to give my son the life I envisioned for all of my children. I didn't need someone to make it possible for me to parent. I had that support, I chose to place my son with his second mom and I have no regrets. Ever.
I do agree, though, that birthmother's day seems superfluous. Perhaps they were going to for a day of distinct honor but I prefer to celebrate all the ways that I am a mother (first mom, natural mom, adoptive mom) on good ole mother's day.
That's what I meant about the complexities of any individual story. It seems to be a very generic response to validate first moms, but with little regard to the wide varieties of ways it could be interpreted. I know many first moms who placed amid great pressure and first moms who had no pressure (or pressure to parent) and many in between those scenarios- I think the videos are far too generic to not be offensive to some. In fact, I have seen this written up on a couple of other blogs so I know the reactions to it are as varied as the people involved. I also think that if you have a relationship with the first mom- you could come up with a better way to honor/celebrate them and if you don't have a strong relationship- these videos probably not going to be received in the spirit they were sent. And even stranger, IMO, is the fact the website is encouraging not just a-parents to send them to their child's first mom but for other people to send them to first moms (friends and colleagues) that they know. I can't imagine getting one of those from someone outside of my specific adoption triad.
As a Bethany adult adoptee, I found this video offensive. Not just because it wasn't inclusive of how a wide variety of original moms may feel and instead crams them into one box of how Bethany views original mothers but because of how the adult adoptee voices were used.
On one hand, they are adults, they are adoptees, they are entitled to their opinions. I have to respect that.
On the other hand, I find what at least one of these adoptees said concerning. That she feels all these things even though she hasn't met her mother. Her opinions and endorsement of Bethany are based off of her Bethany agency narrative if she is a Bethany adoptee. My agency narrative from Bethany, that my parents and I grew up knowing and believing and forming opinions on was found to be full of holes and mistruth when I reunited. A reunion Bethany drug their feet on (this was two years ago, mind you, not 20) helping me with until my adoptive parents got involved, called a lawyer, and threw their weight around.
A Bethany worker once asked me if she could use my narrative at conferences as a testimony. It was a comment derrived out of fear that she would judge me for seeking to reunite. I was afraid she would think I was a "bad adoptee" for seeking reunion and wouldn't help me locate my mother. I gave her a glowing report of adoption and Bethany said told her yes. Had I known my whole, true story, I never would have said yes. I feel used. I was used.
Bethany is one of the leading opponents of adoptee access to original information. I guess it bothers me they'd use adoptees for what is more or less adoption advertisement (they spend about 5 million a year marketing to expectant parents) when at least one of those adoptees doesn't have access to their whole story. It doesn't seem fair or at all ethical. Come advertise for us while we lobby against your equality and right to know right in front of your face. There is something screwed up about that.
True - I would probably have felt awkward if a family member or friend had sent that to me, especially right after I placed. My son's a-mom would never have sent something so generic anyway (she's far too classy for that). It is a really strange idea and obviously not one that originated with a first mom. Perhaps a simple reminder from Bethany to their adoptive parents to recognize the first moms would have been more appropriate. And, again, what is up with Birthmother's Day?!
However, I did like the video if it was meant for something besides a Birthmother's Day card and I didn't feel like it negated or denigrated the life that those adoptees might have had with their first parents. To me it just sounded like they appreciated the enormity of their first mom's decisions. Personally, it was nice to hear. You're right, though, as an e-card...a bit weird.
I was deeply appalled and offended that an adoptee was supposed to send that to her mother. Imagine getting a video ecard from your daughter - opening it expecting to see your child and instead find it is generic strangers talking about how great adoption is...
Marketing FAIL...
Mother's Day is for ALL MOTHERS...
I couldn't even make it through the first few minutes of that video.
Those videos are nothing more than the same propaganda used to convince more women that they are not good enough for their children and adoption is the only way to offer them a "better life."
It sickens me that they use adoptees in such a way. Between First Moms, Adoptive Moms and Adoptees, I find the worst offenses to be the ones that use adoptees for the industries gain.
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