Monday, May 10, 2010

BABIES (the Movie)



So I went with several friends to see this movie the night it opened and it is indeed very good.  It shows the 4 babies throughout their first year and really brings home that despite very different circumstances family is the same worldwide.  The movie is stunning and well done and for the most part thoroughly enjoyable.  And the babies are freakin' adorable and rather funny.  Surprisingly, the movie is not narrated which is in some ways unfortunate because without narration sometimes it is hard to know the cultural "whys" of what is happening (for example, how much time does Bayar really spend alone with his brother)  On the flip side, the narration would likely need subtitled which would have distracted from the cuteness.

And seriously, how can you not love a movie about Babies?

But....
I also have to say there were parts that bothered me.  (and yes, this is the part where some of you will say I am over-analyzer.  So be it.  It's my blog and I'll over-analyze if I want to)  

I am a parent of a child born in Africa- specifically Ethiopia  (Ponijao the baby in the movie was born in Namibia) and I know what the average American believes about Africa. I know what they believe because people say stuff to me about KW or Africa and  sometimes I wish they wouldn't say stuff to me because when they do I see how far we still have to go in matters of race and equity and peace.  I know because people say things  like "She isn't dark like some of those people over there" or the slightly more 'pc' version -"she doesn't look African".  

Most Americans (even if they KNOW it isn't) view Africa as a country with no regard to the varied and diverse cultures that live on the CONTINENT.  But more so than that, many (even maybe most) Americans believe that the Africans featured on the pages of National Geographic represent the way ALL Africans live- naked, dusty and primitively.  And unfortunately the producers chose to use a tribal family as their representation of Africa, which for many will only confirm that belief.  The families are all portrayed very respectfully but there are several juxtapositions that continue to perpetuate the belief that Africans are less civilized and Africa is savage and primitive.  There were 3 that stood out the most.

1.  2 of the families are urban, and 2 are rural/traditional.  The Mongolian family appeared to be somewhat nomadic (although without narration it was hard to be totally sure) and certainly lived in the countryside of Mongolia with their cattle.  But they had a electricity and a satellite dish.  The Namibian family had no modern anything.

2.  In each family there were at least a few scenes of dad's interacting with the babies/family.  Each family EXCEPT the Namibian family.  The only time the men were seen at all, they were riding on horses/donkeys past the women as they walked.  Not hard to see how that would translate into what many already believe about African American dads in this country

3.  And in the most notable example- there was this series of scenes: USA baby interacting with the pet cat,  Japanese baby interacting with the pet cat, Mongolian baby interacting with the pet cat, and finally the Namibian baby interacting with the...... flies.  Seriously?  What message does that send?  Later on in the movie there are several scenes of Ponijao playing with the pet dogs- those certainly could have been cut into the "pet" scenes for a more balanced presentation.

Now I recognize that none of these things are particularly horrible in and of themselves.  And for those Americans who actually have an accurate world view they are likely harmless- but for how many people do these scenes continue to reinforce the notion that Africans are barely more than animals, living naked, chewing on the bones found on the ground (which Ponijao also does in several scenes)  And long term, if we as a society believe these images are representative of Africa, then it is any wonder our policies and practices continue to harm the continent and why we as a society don't feel the same compulsion to get involved in the issues that effect Africa and her people.  For many people, these images are too different, too disconnected from our beliefs and understanding and for them, bridging the differences in order to see our shared humanity is too far to go and we are left divided.

I was reading an interview with the director and he said this (which is fairly disturbing in it's own right)  "There is something universal in the American way of raising children. What you do here today, we'll be doing in the rest of the world tomorrow."  Wow if that isn't a scary view of the world's future.  And in all seriousness, the babies that seemed the happiest and most content were the babies who had none (or few) of the things that American parents seem to believe that our children MUST have.  

There's probably a lesson in there somewhere.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Thoughts on Family Day



Today is the 3rd anniversary of D's Family Day. The plan was to celebrate with a little celebration and maybe give her one of the many gifts we bought in China (intending to give her one a year until she is 18) but yet another truth of adoption is that as time goes by good adoptive parents learn how much they don't really know.

Three years ago my child woke up with no idea how her life was about to change. She was dressed by the ayis that cared for her and loved her and she was driven to an office several hours away. After a long hot journey she arrived and was carried in by one of her ayis who clearly cares for her. She stayed in her ayi's arms for a long while, comfortable, while she observed the people around her.



But eventually she was handed to us and she wailed as everyone familiar disappeared from her life forever


Adoption is complicated- what seemed so simple 3 years ago- a celebration of the day we became a family is not so simple after all because the act of becoming a family meant that D lost everything she knew- EVERYTHING. And that is not something that we should be celebrating. And in celebrating "gotcha day" (and wow do I not love that term) are we really glossing over the ugly stuff- not dwelling on it because it is too hard for us to accept the role that we have played in our child's grief. It's too hard to wrap our heads around how great those first losses really are. While we did not cause the loss of her birth family and culture we have certainly benefited from it- we have HER. And while she gained some thing she had been missing in no way does that gain negate what was lost. To pretend otherwise invalidates the very existence of her first family. It has been said that adoption is a redemptive response to tragedy- and we should never forget that the amazing process of forming a family through adoption also means there are two parents who will never see their child grow up and a tiny girl who was ripped from everything she knew.

I know many families will continue to celebrate their gotcha days and if that choice feels right to them then who am I to say they are wrong. But for me-it seems more complicated now and that each response or non response to the day carries meaning far beyond what is evident at first glance. (For the perspective of an adult adoptee please click here and here- she explains it far better than I) I don't know what the right answer is- I imagine how we mark the day will evolve over time based on what D needs but for now we will simply remember how grateful we are to her first family for her existence and humbly remember that our gain comes from their loss. We can't imagine life without her.
Three years ago you bravely entered our world and it hasn't been the same since.

We Love You D!!!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

What is it About the Grocery Store

that leads to intimate and personal conversations about adoption?

Many adoptive parents (at least those with "conspicuous" families) report that some of the worst, most intrusive comments from strangers happen at the grocery store. I luckily have not had too many bad experiences- one of the worst was someone (on a Sunday morning no less) asking me if I ran a preschool- and being conspicuous means the staff at the deli counter remembers my kids so they get spoiled with samples.

Apparently though the desire to talk about adoption in the grocery store is not just an urge strangers feel...

The scene:

A is walking next to the cart, K is in the cart (the other kids are at home which is why any conversation was able to take place at all)

Me:
Choose which kind of cereal you want and put it in the cart

K:
(doesn't actually have a speaking part but promptly reaches in to grab the aforementioned cereal intending to throw it out of the cart)

Me: Please don't take things out of the cart (while grabbing the box as it is hurled to the ground)

A: You don't have to listen to her K, she not your real mom

Me:
Excuse me, but you better believe I am her real mom- Your real mom is the one who takes care of you when you are sick, who hugs you when you feel bad and who will ground you if you tell your sister again that I am not her real mom. Now do you mean that she also had a birth mom too?

A:
Yeah, what happened to her birthmom?

Me:
That's a private story that I don't want to discuss in the cereal aisle of the grocery store

A:
Why not?

Me:
It's your sister's private story that we will not be sharing with other people, especially in the grocery store

A:
But... (and he went on to ask some other pointed questions that I will not relay in order to keep said private story ACTUALLY private)

Me:
We are done talking about this in the store. We can talk more at home if you want.

A:
Can I get some fruit snacks?

Sunday, May 2, 2010

A Preview of the Teen Years


God Help Us!
If she has this much 'tude now.......




I told her she could get a snack. She asked for ice cream. I told her to have B help her but I guess she couldn't find him so she helped herself to the half gallon of ice cream AND the whole bag of chips. I walked into the living room about 10 minutes after our conversation to find her eating chips, watching TV and eating (at least WITH a spoon) directly from the ice cream container.

Not sure I am looking forward to hormones....

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Happy Birthday X (belated posting)

Since it is still getting a lot of traffic- if you are looking for the
I AM THE TRUTH post click here

Computer Issues delayed the posting of these photos. But it is hard to believe that my baby boy is now 6!! He continues to charm everyone he meets and his enthusiasm is contagious. I was volunteering at their school over my spring break and EVERYONE knows X.

We love you X





From his birthday party







Friday, April 23, 2010

Wow Thanks, and Easter Photos Round 2

First of all I want to say thanks for all the wonderful comments about the truth post.  I never imagined how many people it would resonate with.  I had over 1300 page views last week and was even linked to several other blogs and facebook pages.  And if that wasn't enough some new followers joined- so welcome to them.  I am still amazed at the response that post generated so thank you all 
(click here http://pullthisblogover.blogspot.com/2010/04/i-am-truth.html if you haven't seen the post)

But life has continued to go on and things here are happening faster than I can post the photos so without further ado...  Easter Round 2

Hunting for the eggs




Yeah- they're mine- so what?

Checking out the stash in the baskets



How can you not love the cuteness of them?????






Thursday, April 15, 2010

I am the Truth


Recently there have been many stories in the news regarding international adoption. Stories about corruption and trafficking, about unethical agencies and uncaring parents, about abuse and about neglect, about unprepared families and uninvolved agencies, but are those stories really the truth about what international adoption is? In the face of these stories, the Joint Council on International Children's Services has asked that all adoptive families speak out about the truth of international adoption.

But what is the truth of international adoption?

The truth is international adoption is not for the ill-prepared or the uncommitted- but then that is true of parenting- PERIOD

The truth is your child comes to you with a history that you not only were not a part of, but that you might never ever know. Some of that history may involve their first families or foster families and you will realize that these people have become part of your lives, regardless of whether or not you have ever met them or even know what they look like.

The truth is smiles and hugs, tears and tantrums, joys and sorrow

The truth is that you will always cringe when people ask you if you have children “of your own” because you understand how totally and completely your child is yours even while others can’t understand how that can be so

The truth is that your child is yours, but not yours alone.  They also belong to their first families and that is okay.  Love is not finite

The truth is that your child's story becomes part OF you yet it doesn't belong TO you. It is neither yours to tell or to interpret

The truth is that love is not enough

The truth is that you occasionally feel that you have to explain or defend your family to others and this includes the seemingly positive statement that you “saved” your child. No matter how bad a situation they might have been in, what happens after an adoption is parenting, not saving.

The truth is you need to think about things you may never have ever considered before and things that maybe you would rather not consider- things like racism, classism, privilege, power and entitlement.

 
The truth is tiny handprints on the wall, little footprints on the floor, potty training, homework, band-aids, piles of laundry, sloppy kisses, bouquets of dandelions and belly laughs

The truth is that every news story about your child's country of origin now matters to you too

The truth is that great sadness at what was lost can exist in the same space as great joy at what was gained

The truth is that a child can be the bravest person you have ever met

The truth is that international adoption is messy and complicated and hard and amazing and wonderful 

Before we began the adoption process we took some adoption classes. On the last night there was a panel of adoptive parents (all of whom had only adopted children) One by one they each told their stories and each said they could not have loved their child more if they had been born to them. And while I understood that academically, I wondered how they could be so sure. I now look at my daughters and know birth is not the only thing that makes a parent. I look at my girls and know they are mine- yet at the same time, I also know they are not mine alone. I look and wonder whose eyes do they have, where does their personality come from, how much is nurture and how much is nature.

The truth of international adoption is that family is determined simply by the  act of BEING a family

THIS IS THE TRUTH OF INTERNATIONAL ADOPTION






























Our children are not ours because they share our genes...
they are ours because we have had the audacity to envision them.
That, at the end of the day...or long sleepless night,
is how love really works.
--- Unknown
(edited to add: several people have asked me if they can repost this on their groups or blogs. I don't mind at all- just link it back to the blog and let me know where it was posted)

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